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It was as though she was only doing it because I told her she could go out with her friends. God, I hope I was wrong.Tuesday:Jean was out on a maternity leave so I didn't have her to talk to. I had a new guy riding with me that I wasn't about to share my problems with. I had to come up with something different.When I got home I kissed my daughters. They hugged me back and both sat on my lap while we watched one of their kids programs. Lydia came in the room and said hello and that dinner was just bout ready. I was watching for any signs of change. I especially watched as she talked to me. I could still read faces.While we were eating I mentioned to Lydia that I had an idea."What is it, Jerry?" she asked."Let's do a Plan B this weekend. Why don't you forget about going out Friday with your friends and we can take the girls to the amusement park and maybe even spend the night. We'll go out as a family." For six months you don't even know we're alive. Then, the one time I decide to go. Although this left my parents a littlefrustrated and confused, they were happy that I was healthy in every otherway and loved me all the same.At first my parents were reluctant to push me into a specific gender roleone way or another, but the limited budget of a young married couplequickly aided their decision to go with a practical solution for how theywould raise me. Since my brother was just a little over a year older thanmyself, they simply began dressing me in his old clothes and that wasthat. Well, there was the practical economic solution but my mother alsothought that growing up as a boy, I would be mentally tougher and betterable to handle difficult situations as I grew up with my unique uncertaincondition. Ultimately, in many ways, I think she was probably right.Over the next several years, I found myself idolizing and emulating my bigbrother. When my brother went to preschool, even though I was a yearyounger than him, I had to know everything that he was doing in.
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